Would you please tell the jury where you were the evening of Saturday, February 4th, 2012?

“I went to Best Buy.”

What did you do there?

“I won a $50 gift card some time ago. So I went there and it was loud, so I just walked around for a half an hour or 45 minutes, turning everything off until I felt the store was at a reasonable volume.”

Did you buy anything?

“No. I saw a clerk making fun of a fat guy, and that made me upset, so I left.”

What did you do then?

“I went to Lowe’s.”

Why?

“I had to go to the bathroom, and I had an idea that maybe you could keep making copies of copies of keys until the resulting key didn’t work in the lock anymore.”

And?

“I wound up just smelling the adhesives and rolls of carpet for 20 minutes or so, then I bought a soda and went home.”

(I have a terrible fear that I will have to be a witness in court and explain exactly what I did during a particular day)

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